


Make Me Stay

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Canon, Drama
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-08-20
Updated: 2003-08-20
Packaged: 2018-12-27 12:59:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,058
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12081525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: Brian and Justin, having not seen each other in some time, have to find a way to work for the same company.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

"Holy shit." Justin Taylor breathed. He was standing at the corner of two very busy New York City streets near his office. He usually walked out here on his lunch break to grab a hotdog for lunch when he didn't have a meeting. Who he saw walking towards him, seeming to stand out in the crowd, was Brian Kinney, the love of his life.

He and Brian had parted ways a few years earlier. Neither of them ready for the relationship that they were heading towards, they had decided to go their separate ways. Each kept tabs on the other through their mutual friends, but never spoke again after that day in Brian's loft...~

"That's everything." Justin said quietly as he closed the last box of his things. When they had decided, far too calmly, that it was time for Justin to move out and start his own life, it was like they had both died inside. 

"Where are you going to be staying?" Brian asked quietly. He wanted more than anything to fall to his knees and beg Justin not to leave him, to finally say the words that he had never said before, but he couldn't.

"With Emmett for a while and then I'm not sure. Depends on what kind of job I can get after graduation." Justin shrugged. He wasn't sure when he and Brian had become so emotionless with each other. He wondered if they had hurt each other so many times that there were just no feelings there anymore.

"If you need anything..." Brian stopped. He knew Justin would promise that if he needed anything, he would call. He also knew that he would never get that call. Justin nodded and walked to towards Brian. 

"Bye, Bri." he wrapped his arms around the man and they hugged for what seemed like an eternity but ended far too soon. Brian stood back and watched as Justin lifted that final box and walked out of the loft. For the last time.

Once the door was closed, Justin turned and looked back. He wondered if this would be like the other times he had left. He wondered if he would be back. Something inside him urged him to run back in and try to fix things. But something else, something stronger, told him to leave.

I'm going to turn and walk away

You can wait till I am far along

Then run and come and catch my arm

And say you'd die if I were gone

Brian sat down on the back of the couch and stared at the door as if Justin was still there. He thought of all the times he had watched Justin walk in that door, remembered how his world seemed to fill up as soon as Justin was there. Now there was a void, a big gaping hole in his life.

...~

What is he doing in New York? Justin asked himself. He was supposed to be in Pittsburgh living the high life, enjoying his life as the King Of Liberty Avenue. Emmett and Lindsay had both told him that Brian was back to being the guy he was before Justin came along. Somehow, that made Justin sad. Maybe it was because Brian had been so empty before he met him.

"Justin!" April called out to him. She was his assistant. At 24, Justin was already the head of a branch of the art department at a major advertising agency. 

"What's the matter?" Justin asked. April knew where he always took his lunch but had never followed him. 

"I came to tell you before you found out from somewhere else." April tried to catch her breath. "Remember how H.R. announced that they had found a replacement for Dixon?" Justin nodded. "Well, I heard who he is this morning. It's Brian Kinney." Justin's heart seemed to fall down into his stomach. 

April knew all about his past relationship with Brian. One night, she and Justin had gone out to celebrate a national account that his work had landed the company and drank too much. Justin had spilled everything.

"We're having a meeting this afternoon so that all of the managers and supervisors can meet him." April saw as more and more color fell from Justin's face. "In half an hour."

Justin started to wonder if Brian knew that they would be seeing each other again and having to work closely on a regular basis. As the head of his department, Justin had always worked closely with Dixon and was sure that the same would happen with Brian.

"Fuck." Justin breathed. "I haven't spoken to him in over three years." He had to take a seat on a bench, the thoughts in his head overtaking him.

"What are you going to do, Justin?" April asked. The concern in her face was evident.

"I'm going to go to that meeting and try to be as professional as possible. I'm an adult and I'm sure I can attend a meeting with my ex-lover just fine." Justin was saying the words more to convince himself than April.

*.*.*.*

"Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like you all to meet Brian Kinney." Mr. Davis, the CEO of the company, presented Brian to the group sitting around the conference table. Brian had just walked into the room with Davis and hadn't seen Justin yet. "Why don't you all introduce yourselves to Brian, he will be working with all of you quite closely."

Brian took a moment to look around the table. He noted that it was a fairly young group and smiled. He preferred to work with younger people. When he saw the blonde head at the other end of the table sitting next to the pretty blonde, who reminded him of Cynthia, he did a double take. He had known that Justin was working in New York for an advertising firm, but he couldn't believe that they were going to be working for the same company.

As everyone around the table stood and told Brian their name and position he tried his hardest to listen to them, but his attention kept floating back to his former lover sitting across the room. Whenever he looked over at Justin, the young man was whispering with the woman next to him. When it came time for him to stand, he obligingly did so.

"I'm Justin Taylor. I'm the head of the digital arts department." Justin forced a smile before sitting down again. "This is my assistant April Lewis."

After the meeting, Justin hurried back to his office instead of waiting to kiss the new boss's ass. He chuckled at the thought, he himself had done that more often, and more figuratively, than anyone in the office would believe. As he sat at his desk staring at the digital mock up for an ad for tea, he tried to figure out what Brian would say once they actually talked.

"Mr. Taylor," April's voice came over the intercom. Justin knew that someone important was there to see him because she didn't use his first name. 

"Yes, April?" Justin replied. He started shaking and he knew that Brian was outside wanting to talk to him.

"Mr. Kinney is here to see you." April spoke quickly, with a hint of warning in her voice that Brian picked up on. Obviously, the young assistant knew of his past with Justin. He found the thought interesting and wondered if Justin had just told her about him that day at the meeting.

"Send him in." Justin kept his voice calm and confident though he was trembling inside. When the door opened he gasped. Brian hadn't aged a day since they were together. He was still lithe and fit. He was dressed to the nines. And he smiled.

"Hi, Justin." Brian said as he sat down across from Justin and looked around the office. For a 24-year-old only 3 years out of college, the boy had done well for himself.

"Hi, Bri." Justin said quietly. "This is a surprise." Brian looked at him then and regarded him curiously.

"I always said I would move to New York someday." Brian shrugged. "When they offered me this job it was too prime to turn down."

"I take it you didn't know I worked here." Justin speculated.

"I didn't know." Brian confirmed. "You've done well for yourself."

"I worked my ass off." Justin shrugged.

"Well, it looks like we're going to be working together, so I had hoped that we could be friends." Brian was all business now, no more small talk.

"Sure." Justin said without thinking. He wondered if Brian was going to want to pick up where they left off.

"Good." Brian nodded. "We need to have a meeting tomorrow so that you can bring me up to speed about what's going on right now."

"Sure." He buzzed April and told her to bring him his appointment book. Brian pressed his tongue against his cheek; he was seeing a whole new Justin.

"You're free at ten and two." April said. "Mr. Kinney, when is best for you?" April was rather concerned about her boss as he sat behind his desk looking at Brian.

"Two would be better." Brian said. He stood and excused himself. He needed to be alone to try and process what he was feeling after seeing Justin again after so long. Seeing his former lover had initially shocked him beyond words, but now the shock was wearing off and he wasn't sure what he was feeling. 

*.*.*.*

Justin sat in his apartment later that night and thought about seeing Brian again. No matter what he had been doing in the last three years, Brian had always been in the back of his thoughts. Everything seemed to remind him of his time with Brian. For so long things had been wonderful, but at the end they had been more painful than Justin could express.

When his phone rang, he reached over and picked it up. It was Daphne. She lived only 5 blocks from Justin and they were closer than ever. "Hey, Daph."

"Wanna come out with us tonight? We're going to see Les Miserables." Daphne, now a successful lawyer, was always out and about with the cream of New York society.

"Not tonight." Justin declined. "You'll never guess who moved to town and is working at the agency."

"Brian?" Daphne guessed on the first try. She knew that Brian was the only person in the world that would cause this kind of response from her best friend. She also knew that in the last three years Justin had never met anyone who could hold a candle to Brian, flaws and all.

"He just showed up and now everything is different." Justin was obviously very upset and Daphne offered to give up her theatre tickets to spend the evening with him. "No, you go ahead. I want to be alone for a while."

"Call me if you need to talk." Daphne said before saying goodbye and hanging up the phone. Justin sat in the apartment thinking about Brian and all the things that had led to the demise of their relationship.

There were so many times that they argued and one of them left, but there was always the dramatic reunion. Their friends had even started taking bets on when they would get back together. In the weeks before Justin moved out, there was nothing there. The loft was always quiet, as were its tenants, and there was no emotions. They didn't fight. You couldn’t fight when there was only silence. It was cold, and Justin had decided he had to leave before he froze to death.

It broke his heart to leave Brian, even when things were bad he loved him more than anything, and in his final months in Pittsburgh he had been a mess. Emmett had tried to take him out, but the one time that Justin went to Babylon with him he saw Brian dancing with a hot young guy and he never went back.

After moving to New York City, things were different. Justin was different. He lived for his art. When he wasn't working, he was in his apartment painting. He met people through work but he found that nothing satisfied him and no one challenged him the way Brian had. After a year in New York, the pain of Brian had dulled and seldom did Justin think about him directly, but still he was always there.

For Justin, it was like he had started with the best and there was no way to go down from that. He realized that he had been waiting for someone who could measure up, but was never letting anyone prove themselves to him because they just weren't Brian. 

He was wrapped up in his thoughts and barely heard the knock on he door. When he opened it, the object of his thoughts and his three years of angst stood there looking at him. Justin couldn't figure out the look on Brian's face, but decided that this wasn't a business visit.

"Hi, Justin." Brian's voice was a little gravelly. 

"Hi." Justin opened the door a little wider as an invitation for Brian to come into his apartment. Justin was proud of his place. It was a big old apartment with beautiful hardwood floors and architecture that was hard to match.

"Nice place." Brian commented as he looked around. The place, for some reason, reminded him of his loft. Justin stared at Brian, unable to find words. He had forgotten how beautiful Brian was. "We should talk."

"Have a seat. Do you want some wine? Or tea?" Justin offered.

"I'm fine." Brian sat on the couch and Justin sat across from him in one of the arm chairs. They simply stared at each other for several long moments.

"What do you want to talk about?" Justin broke the silence.

"It's probably going to be hard for us to work together." Brian began. "I would never have imagined that after all this time we would be in this situation." He looked nervous and fidgety.

"We're going to have to try since I'm sure neither of us are willing to give up our jobs." Justin was doing his best to stay calm and handle the situation like a mature adult, though he felt like a vulnerable teenager.

"I agree." Brian looked away for a moment and then turned back to Justin. "I missed you, Justin." He said with all the emotions that he had bottled up for the past three years.

"Brian--" Justin wasn't sure what to say. He was afraid to admit that he had been feeling the same way, missing Brian every minute.

"I understand, Justin." Brian said trying to let Justin off easily. "It's been a long time. You probably have the perfect relationship that you always wanted, that you deserve."

"I'm single, Brian." Justin's voice was barely above a whisper. He wasn't sure where Brian was going. After thinking about it for a few seconds he realized that Brian needed him to be happy. He needed to know that he hadn't ruined the boy he once knew.

"I never would have guessed that. Lindsay told me that you were happy out here. I figured you were happy because you met Mr. Right." 

Justin wanted to scream at him that he met "Mr. Right" a long time ago. Brian would always be his "Mr. Right" but for some reason, it had always been the wrong time. He wondered if he could love Brian the same way again, if Brian's sudden arrival in his world was going to break his heart again.

"Do you have a boyfriend?" Justin asked. The look on Brian's face gave him all the answer he needed. Brian still didn't do relationships. Justin frowned.

"Do you think we can work together and be ok?" Brian asked. He was pulling away from the personal questions because he was afraid of saying too much, of telling Justin about his anguish.

"We're adults, Brian." Justin said simply. "Now, maybe you should get going." Justin saw a flicker of pain in Brian's eyes but did his best to ignore it. Once Brian was gone, he sat on the couch, still warm from Brian's body, and cried. He hadn't cried since before he had moved out of the loft. It seemed like a lifetime and for some reason, the tears and gasps helped him feel better.


	2. Chapter 2

Justin sat at his desk looking over the plans for a new project that the company was taking on. He was staring at the papers regretfully. The campaign was a major international project which meant that he and Brian wouldn't be able to avoid each other anymore. It had been a month since Brian's arrival in New York and in that time the two had done everything in their power to avoid working closely. Unfortunately, this campaign was going to foil their plans. As heads of their respective departments, the two men would be working closely together for several months on the project.

"Mr. Taylor," April buzzed him and he feared that he was going to be faced with Brian from the tone in her voice and the use of his name.

"Yes, April?" Justin replied.

"Mr. Kinney and Mr. Davis are here to see you." April replied. Justin told her to send them in after breathing a sigh of relief. He was only worried about being alone with Brian. If the company's CEO was there, he was sure he would be safe.

When Brian and Mr. Davis walked in Justin stood and shook both of their hands. He had never pictured himself in such a professional career, but he truly loved it. Brian and Davis sat down across from Justin and Mr. Davis began talking.

"Ahh, Justin, I see you've been looking over the new campaign." His tone of voice showed that he was pleased with this. "That's what I wanted to talk to the two of you about. I have been waiting for a campaign like this so that I can pair you two together. I think you would make a wonderful team."

"Thank you, Mr. Davis." Justin said with a plastered on smile. He wasn't looking forward to working on the campaign with Brian at all. The thought of spending that much time with Brian, alone, scared him. He didn't want to find that there were any more flames still burning, and he was sure that he would

"Please, call me Roger." Mr. Davis said with a smile.

"Alright, Roger." Justin, again, pasted on a smile.

"Well, I would like to send the two of you to Los Angeles to meet with the clients and get a better feel for what they want the campaign to be like. I'm sure you both know that this is a multi-billion dollar campaign and we don't want to lose it." Mr. Davis continued. "You leave Friday."

"For how long?" Justin asked. The thought of traveling with Brian was even more terrifying than the thought of working with him here in New York.

"About three weeks. We want you to get a feel for their operations and have some meetings with their marketing people." Davis explained. "The arrangements have all been made, have your schedules cleared for those three weeks."

"Ok, Mr. Davis." Brian, who had been silent until that point, said.

"You call me Roger, too, Brian." Davis said. "I'll leave you two to discuss the plans. Please, take tomorrow as a personal day to get ready for your trip." With that, he was out of the office, quick and efficient as ever.

"Looks like you can't avoid me anymore." Brian said knowingly. Justin almost laughed. Brian still didn't hold back, his thoughts became words before he could stop them, or you could prepare for them.

"It goes both ways, Bri." Justin said, knowing that saying anything else would reveal too much. He wasn't ready to put his heart out on his sleeve.

"Well, it looks like we'll be together for three weeks." Brian shook his head. "I had better go get Cynthia to clear my schedule."

"Cynthia?" Justin asked with confusion.

"Didn't think I'd leave her in Pittsburgh, did you?" Brian chuckled. "No one else can put up with my shit AND type 85 words per minute." Brian walked to the door. "Later." He flipped the word over his shoulder.

Justin stayed where he was and thought of what the one word, the word "later", meant to him. Until that last day, he and Brian never said goodbye. It was always "later", the events of the prom scaring them too much to say goodbye. Goodbye held certain permanence, later was light and it meant "see ya soon".

He tried to figure out how he was going to curb the feelings that were already showing themselves after speaking to Brian a few times and seeing him in the halls at work or in meetings. He wasn't sure that he could keep them under control during their stay in LA.

*.*.*.*

Brian sat at his desk thinking of Justin's reaction to their impending trip to California. He had seen the strange clouds pass over Justin's eyes at hearing about the trip and he wondered what had caused them. Brian knew that Justin was doing everything he could to avoid working closely with him, but he couldn't figure out why.

"Did I fuck him up that much?" Brian asked himself out loud. He thought back to the weeks after Justin had moved out of the loft. He had wanted so badly to go to him, to drag him back, but he didn't have the strength.

It was then that he realized that the reason he didn't get close to people wasn't because he didn't believe in love. It was because he knew that he wasn't strong enough to heal if he let someone in and then they wanted out. And he was right. After Justin left, he was only half a person. Work consumed him. It was his blinding dedication to his work, his complete immersion in it, that had gotten him this job. He supposed he had Justin to thank for that.

Brian thought of all the times, since he had come to New York, that he had picked up the phone to call Justin or jumped in his Jeep to go over there. And then he started to laugh at himself. 'When are you going to get it, Kinney? He grew up, and he doesn't want you anymore.' he thought to himself.

"Brian, everything is set. You're cleared until the 26th." Cynthia came into the office and sat across from Brian. "I was talking to April today."

"Who's April?" Brian asked with a sneer. He wasn't in the mood for chit chat.

"Justin's assistant." Cynthia grinned when she saw the look on Brian's face change. "She said that Justin told her all about you a few weeks before you came here."

"What, that I'm a selfish asshole who he was fucking for a couple of years?" Brian asked with disdain. He couldn't imagine the things that Justin would have to say about him.

"No." Cynthia paused. "He told her-- He was drunk, by the way. He told her that you were the love of his life and he missed you."

"He said that?" Brian raised an eyebrow. He couldn't imagine the Justin that he had seen in the last month saying those things. The old Justin said things like that all the time, but this Justin was different.

"According to April he said a lot more, but she didn't want to tell me. They're friends and she didn't want to break their confidence." Cynthia stood. She could tell that Brian was retreating into the pensive state that she had come to recognize and knew that it was time to leave him alone.

*.*.*.*

Justin was waiting. The car that Cynthia had arranged to take them to the airport was late and Justin guessed it was because Brian was late. He wondered if it was last night's trick that caused the delay but he pushed that thought from his head. Brian's personal life was none of his business anymore. 

Moments later, Justin saw a limousine pull up in front of his building. The driver got out and helped him with his bags. Justin climbed into the car and found Brian sipping on a scotch and looking over some figures that the client had faxed him.

"Hey." Justin sat at the other end of the car from Brian, still desperate to keep that distance. 

"I don't bite." Brian snapped. After spending almost 48 hours thinking about what Cynthia had told him he had been hoping that he and Justin might have a chance for something, it killed him that Justin was still trying to avoid him.

Justin chose not to reply to Brian's comment, instead he pulled out a portfolio and started looking at all the ideas he had sketched for the campaign. Brian, who had gotten angry at Justin's disregard, grabbed the portfolio and threw it across the car.

"What the fuck are you doing, Brian?" Justin demanded. Brian smiled. He had finally gotten an emotion out of Justin, not just a look in the eye but an expression of raw emotion.

"We're going to talk." Brian said simply, calmly. Justin looked at him in disbelief. He quickly composed himself and decided to lighten the mood.

"And here I thought you were going to fuck me." He said with a well acted pout.

"Don't fucking do this, Justin. Don't cover it up!" He exploded. "You've been avoiding this for a month! Do you think I don't know that you've been assigning Williams to the accounts that I work on personally? Do you think I don't notice that you always sit between two people at meetings so that you don't have to sit by me?" Brian was very angry.

"Leave it alone, Bri." Justin turned his face away. He didn't want to show Brian what he was feeling. Brian had stomped on his feelings more times than he could count and he wasn't sure he could let him do it again.

"I will not leave it alone, Justin. And look at me, for Christ's sake." Brian demanded. When Justin turned to him and looked into his eyes, what he saw there made him feel weak. "Really?" He asked quietly. Justin nodded.

Suddenly, Justin was pulled into an embrace so tight and so warm that he nearly cried. "I love you, too." Brian said the words so quietly that at first Justin wasn't sure he heard them.

"You do?" Justin asked as he pulled away and looked into Brian's eyes. Brian smiled a little and nodded. "But after all this time..."

"It doesn't matter." Brian said as he pulled Justin close again. "We have all the time in the world to get to know each other again." Justin couldn't believe the words coming out of Brian's mouth. It was as if Brian had a need building up inside him and he would do anything, sacrifice anything, to get that need met. And what he needed was Justin.

"Brian..." Brian silenced Justin's words with his lips. It was the kiss that both of them had been waiting three years for and it was even better than they had hoped. The warmth, and the taste, and the feeling was still as they remembered and both of them felt complete.

"Gentlemen, we're here." The driver said keeping his professional exterior though he was more than a little surprised to see the two executives in the position they were in.

"We have to talk later." Justin said as he straightened his suit jacket and climbed out of the car. Brian smiled. He hoped that their talk would involve them getting back together.

*.*.*.*

Brian watched as Justin unpacked his suitcase. They were sharing a large suite at a beautiful four-star hotel in Beverly Hills. Justin as hanging his suits and seemed lost in his thoughts. "Can we talk now?" Brian asked anxiously.

Justin took a deep breath and turned to Brian. "I think we should just be friends." There, he said it. He felt confident with his decision until he saw the hurt on Brian's face. Throughout the whole flight and the limousine ride to the hotel, Brian had been excited to talk to Justin. Now, all of the hopes that he had built up during that time were dashed.

"What the fuck are you talking about?" Brian tried to curb the anger, but he found that he just couldn't do it. In the time between kissing Justin in the car and hearing Justin tell him that he just wanted to be friends, Brian had felt filled, complete. He hadn't felt that way since before Justin left three years earlier.

"Bri, we work together." Justin couldn't look him in the eyes; he knew what he would see there. Hurt, confusion, and anger clouded Brian's beautiful, expressive eyes.

"Yeah. And?" Brian was now sitting back, very controlled, with his arms crossed over his chest regarding Justin curiously.

"Think about it, Bri. We were never a sure thing. We were the kind of couple who couldn't keep things together for more than a couple of months at a time." Justin wanted so desperately to jump into Brian's arms and tell him that he loved him and wanted to be with him, but he couldn't do that.

"Fine, Justin. Whatever you want." With that, Brian stood and he was gone. Justin vaguely heard the door slam but was too lost in his own thoughts to pay attention. He had done it, the one thing that he never thought he'd do. He turned down Brian Kinney's love. 

"What was I thinking?" Justin asked himself. He curled up on the bed and closed his eyes. He hoped that sleep would stop the ache.

*.*.*.*

As Brian slipped into the suite in the wee hours of the morning, reeking like the bathhouse, he actually felt guilty. Brian Kinney, who never regretted anything or apologized for it, felt bad about spending an evening getting his needs met at the baths.

He found Justin sitting in front of the TV with some reports in his hand. He noticed that Justin wasn't really looking at anything; he seemed lost in his own mind. Brian started to strip off his clothes to have a shower.

Justin looked over at him as he walked into the bathroom and wanted nothing more than to touch him. When he heard the water running he made a decision. He climbed off the bed and stripped off his own clothes. When he stepped into the shower, Brian turned and looked at him strangely.

"What the fuck are you doing now?" Brian demanded defensively.

"What I really wanted in the first place." Justin whispered as he fell to his knees in front of Brian. "God, you're beautiful." He spoke the words only a moment before wrapping his lips around Brian's length.

"Jesus!" Brian breathed. In all his 35 years he had never met anyone who could do the things to his body that Justin could. As Justin slid Brian's cock in and out of his mouth Brian leaned back and gripped the wall.

"Do you like that?" Justin asked with a smile. Brian looking down at him with lust in his eyes and Justin went back to his work. Just as Brian was about to cum, Justin pulled back. "Uh uh. Not yet. There are other things that I want you to do before you cum." Justin took Brian's hand and pulled him out of the shower. 

As they dried each other off they both remembered the game they used to turn this act into. Each of them would take their time drying off the other, touching in all the right places, turning the simple act of drying off from a shower into very erotic foreplay.

"I need you now." Brian growled against Justin's ear before pulling him into the bedroom. He all but threw Justin down onto the bed, pausing only long enough to grab a tube of lube and a condom from his carry on before joining him.

"Hurry, Bri." Justin said as Brian applied the lube to Justin and to himself. They were both impatient to feel each other's body's again. When Brian finally pressed himself against Justin's tight opening and slipped inside, it was as if the world stopped. They were lost in their own pleasure and the sensations that tingled and burned against their skin.

Afterwards, as they came down from their high, they lay exhausted in each others arms. "What made you change your mind?" Brian asked. He was holding Justin against him. He never wanted to let go.

"I was lying to myself when I said I wanted to be just friends." Justin shrugged. "I didn't want to lie anymore."

"I'm glad you decided not to lie." Brian closed his eyes. Justin snuggled closer and they fell asleep in each other's arms.

*.*.*.*

During the next three weeks the two were inseparable. They worked hard all day in meetings and tours of the company's facilities and by the end of the trip had a solid campaign worked out for the company. Their evenings were spent exploring Beverly Hills and then going back to the hotel to spend hot, passionate nights together.

On their last night there, after a bout of passionate sex, they lay in bed together, limbs entwined. "Are things going to change when we go back to New York?" Justin asked.

"No." Brian said without even having to consider it. The question had plagued him during their time together in LA, wondering if leaving La La Land would change things between them. After thinking about it though, he had decided that he wasn't willing to let things change between them.

"Ok." Justin said with a small smile. He snuggled closer to Brian and let himself drift off to sleep. For the first time in a long time, he felt content with the direction his life was taking. As he fell asleep he reveled in the feeling of Brian's warmth. Everything finally felt right.


	3. Chapter 3

New York City. As good as it was to be home, Justin was terrified of what would happen with Brian. In the last two days they had both been catching up with the work they had missed and with their friends that they had only seen each other once and it was only for a few minutes.

Their dreamland, where they could be together with no problems, was gone. The LA trip was over and, even though they told themselves nothing would change, things already were. Justin was terrified of losing Brian. During the trip he had opened himself up again and didn't want to get hurt.

"Justin," April buzzed her boss. "Brian Kinney is here to see you." Brian had sweet-talked and charmed her into calling him Brian. She figured that something had happened on the trip after seeing the change in Justin.

"Send him in, April." Justin said. He smiled a little. It calmed him a little that Brian had taken the time to come to his office to see him.

When he walked in, Justin felt his groin tighten. It had been only two days and already he got excited like a schoolboy just at seeing Brian. "Hey, baby." Brian said once the door was firmly closed. And locked.

"Hey." Justin stood. He could see that Brian was in a good mood.

"Tell me what you're doing tonight." Brian said as he wrapped his arms around Justin. He had a strange twinkle in his eyes.

"Umm, getting Thai take out and working on the Bradford account?" Justin was sure that Brian had other plans for them and couldn't wait to hear what they were.

"Wrong." Brian leaned down and kissed his lover. "You're having dinner with me, my son, and Lindsay." Justin's heart warmed at knowing that Brian wanted him there during Lindsay's visit.

"Ok." Justin smiled willingly. Brian grinned and kissed him once more.

"And then you're coming to spend the night at my apartment." He growled as he nibbled at Justin's ear. "I can't wait to feel your skin against mine." They began to kiss deeply and press their bodies together.

"Justin." April buzzed. She sounded a little panicked. "Mr. Davis is here and he's on his way in." Before she finished her sentence, there was a rattle on the knob and then a knock on the door. Brian sat down in the chair across from Justin's desk as Justin went to answer the door.

"Roger, good to see you." Justin said with a forced smile.

"Why was the door locked?" Davis asked.

"Brainstorming, sir." Brian brought his presence to his boss's attention. "We're trying to put the finishing touches on the LA account and we didn't want to be disturbed."

"Always the hard workers." Davis said approvingly. "Listen, the reason I'm here, Justin, is that my niece is in town and I need someone to show her around. I immediately thought of you."

Justin sensed a set up and groaned inwardly. "When, sir?" He asked.

"Tonight." Davis said firmly. It was obvious that he wasn't going to take no for an answer easily. Justin paused for a second before declining.

"Actually, I have dinner plans tonight with an old friend who's only in town until tomorrow morning." He replied apologetically. He decided that there was no way his boss would make him cancel his plans.

"Tomorrow then." Davis had already made the decision. "She just graduated from USC and moved here to look for a job. I need someone to show her the city. Who better than someone close to her own age?”

Brian wanted to lash out 'Don't you know he's gay? Gay!!’ but he kept silent. He wondered why the company CEO wasn't aware that Justin was gay, he had never been one to hide it. He returned his attention to the conversation and found that Justin had agreed to take the girl out. He couldn't believe it.

"Thanks, Taylor. Keep up the good work, you two." And with that, Davis was gone, having only taken a couple of minutes to shake things up completely.

"Are you hetero now? And you didn't tell me?" Brian asked sarcastically.

"It isn't a date." Justin grumbled. He too, however, was feeling a little trapped. Brian looked at him for a few minutes before bursting into laughter.

"Ok, Mikey." He said mockingly. Justin came around the desk and smacked him in the arm. "Why doesn't good old breeding Roger know that you're queer anyways?"

"I don't broadcast my sex life around the office." Justin's excuse was weak and Brian pointed this out.

"Sorry excuse, Justin." He shook his head. "You were never afraid to admit that you're gay before, what the hell happened?"

"I'd like to keep my job. I have life easy right now and I don't need the complications that I had when I was in high school and in college." Justin sat down behind his desk, angry at Brian's disapproval.

"I'm sorry, Justin. I didn't mean to be a shit." Justin looked skeptically. Brian was apologizing? "One of the things that I always admired about you was that you weren't afraid of showing who you were, not at school, not with your family, never." Justin's eyes nearly filled with tears at Brian's admission. He started to wonder if maybe he had been wrong and things weren't going to change now that they were home.

"Thanks, Bri." Justin stood again and hugged Brian close. It was the most comforting feeling in the world to have Brian's arms around him.

*.*.*.*

"We've missed you, both of you." Lindsay said at dinner than night. They had decided to go to a family pizza place since, at five, Gus's manners weren't ideal for a fancy restaurant.

"Yeah, Daddy!" Gus wailed. "When are you coming home?"

"Gus, I told you, Daddy lives in New York now but we'll come visit him and he'll visit us." Lindsay explained to her son once again.

"Justin, are you coming back to Pittsburgh?" Gus asked.

"No, I live here too, Gus." Justin smiled. He had missed the young boy more than words could say.

"Do you live with Daddy?" Gus asked sweetly. Justin nearly spit out his Pepsi at the question and decided to let Brian explain that.

"No, Sonny Boy, Justin has his own apartment." Brian explained. "But maybe one day..." He looked at Justin, the question in his eyes. Justin smiled slightly to let Brian know that it was something he hoped for too.

*.*.*.*

"So, what are you going to wear on your date tomorrow night?" Brian teased Justin as they lay in bed together later that night.

"Shut up, Bri. It isn't a date. I'm doing Roger a favor." Justin pulled out of Brian's arms and pouted.

"Uncle Rog." Brian chucked and pulled Justin close again. "Don't let her turn you straight." He whispered. "I don't want some girl to steal you from me."

"So, we're... together?" Justin asked.

"Well, you're here and generally when you're with another person you and that person are together." Brian cleverly covered himself because he was afraid to answer the question.

"Brian, what are we?"

"We're men, Justin. Like I told you once before, we aren't some married couple. We're queers." Brian sighed. He could barely admit to himself that he wanted them to have locks on their doors, just so he wouldn't lose Justin again.

"Ok." Justin rolled over and closed his eyes. He was less than thrilled with the answer to his question but knew that he couldn't ask Brian for more until he was ready.

"Justin, what's wrong?" Brian asked impatiently. Justin reminded him of a spoiled child, instead of a 24 year old man, when he acted this way.

"I guess I'm just afraid that things are going to be different here than they were in LA." Justin admitted. "And I don't want that to happen."

"Justin, nothing will change." Brian said with exasperation.

"Ok. Can we go to sleep now?" Justin obviously didn't want to have a long, drawn out conversation with Brian about their relationship. Brian noted that this was another change in Justin that he hadn't anticipated.

*.*.*.*

"Justin Taylor, this is my niece Jenna Manning." Roger introduced the two in the lobby of the building at the end of the workday.

"Nice to meet you," Justin said graciously. Jenna pasted on a smile and held out her hand, which Justin shook obligingly.

"Nice to meet you, too." She said.

"You two kids have fun tonight." Roger said with a smile before hurrying back up to his office to leave the two twenty-something’s to their own devices.

"Listen," Jenna said slowly, "You don't have to do this. I can tell Uncle Roger that we had a great time but I'm just not interested in dating."

"This... uh... This is a date?" Justin stuttered.

"That's what he told me." Jenna was confused. "Why?"

"He said he wanted someone to show you around. I'm gay." Justin said finally. "He doesn't know." Jenna's face broke into a broad smile.

"Thank god! He's trying to marry me off. He always sets me up with these over eager little do gooders who have no brains and want me barefoot and pregnant in the next year." She groaned. "I majored in criminal law with a minor in women's studies, does he seriously think that I'm going to be a housewife?"

Justin smiled. "Are you a dyke?" He asked. She started to laugh.

"I see your gaydar is intact." She said with a smile.

"It wasn't that. I have a friend, Melanie, who is a lawyer and she minored in women's studies. She's a lesbian too." Justin offered his arm. "Dinner?"

"Definitely." She took his arm and they headed out to a great East Indian restaurant that he knew. 

*.*.*.*

"You should tell him." Justin said over dinner. They had been talking about how she had come out to her parents in her freshman year in college but never had the courage to come out to the uncle who doted on her, Roger Davis.

"I know I should. Maybe then he won't sick every single guy with a good job that he knows on me." Jenna replied.

"And maybe then I won't get fired when I tell him that me and Brian are... me and Brian are something." Justin shrugged. Jenna could see the conflict he was experiencing and decided not to ask about it.

"Now that you mention it, maybe I should tell him so that you don't have to go through hell at work." Jenna was serious. She didn't want to see someone innocent get fired for being themselves.

"Thanks, Jenna." Justin said. 

"So, tell me about your boyfriend." Jenna suggested and she sipped on some herbal tea.

"Brian? Brian is different." Justin paused. "And I don't think he's my boyfriend." Justin shrugged.

"Then let's go out and party." Jenna said with a smile. "Let's go to Chelsea and find somewhere to go out and dance."

"Ok." Justin smiled. They made their way to a crowded gay bar and went inside. The bar was filled and the music was loud.

"Let's dance." Jenna pulled her hair out of her ponytail and took off her sweater to reveal a trendy tank top.

"Whoa!" Justin chuckled. "If Uncle Roger saw you in this club, wearing that, he'd have a heart attack." Jenna laughed along with him and continued dancing. 

After about four dances both of them were getting sweaty so they decided to get drinks. As they made their way to the bar, Jenna pointed to the back corner of the bar and said, "Look, there's a backroom."

Just as Justin looked over he saw a familiar face coming out of the backroom. Brian had his arm around a very attractive young guy. He had thick blonde hair and a similar build to what Justin had when he was that age.

"Holy shit..." Justin whispered.

"Yeah, he's good looking." Jenna was as passionate as she could be when talking about a man's looks. "But just remember that you have your Brian waiting for you at home."

"No, Brian isn't at home. That's him." Justin knocked back a double shot of whiskey.

"Kick the bastard to the curb." Jenna was angry for her new friend. The look on Justin's face was enough to make anyone hurt for him. He looked like he'd just lost his best friend.

*.*.*.*

"So I guess I'll see you later." Jenna said quietly before getting out of the car in front of her uncle's apartment.

"Definitely. And Jenna, tell him." Justin said before she smiled and closed the door. As Justin drove away he finally let himself think about what he had seen at the club. He wasn't sure why he was so surprised to see Brian tricking. Justin knew better than to think Brian had stopped.

The question was whether he could let himself get caught up in the same kind of relationship that had broken his heart three years earlier. He knew that the biggest factor that had led to the end of his relationship with Brian the last time was his tricking.

He made a decision. This was the end.

*.*.*.*

Brian was waiting at his apartment when he got home. When he saw him he wanted so badly to pretend that he hadn't seen anything and pretend that Brian wasn't tricking, but he knew he couldn't do that. He also knew that he couldn't tell Brian what he saw.

"Hey, Baby." Brian purred. "How was your date?" He leaned down to kiss Justin's neck. Justin pulled away and walked into the kitchen.

"She's a dyke." He said flatly. Brian stood looking after him. "What are you doing here?"

"I came to wait for you. I thought I could spend the night." Brian walked into the kitchen and attempted to kiss his lover again, and was denied the pleasure once more. "What's going on?"

"I just don't want you to always be around." Justin said angrily. He was finally letting some of the emotions that had been building since he was at the club out.

"What are you talking about? I just came over to see you. I barely see you." Brian was confused and he couldn't understand Justin's anger.

"Maybe we shouldn't do this, Brian." Justin said firmly, trying to make Brian think that there was no way to sway him on the subject. 

"What?" Brian exploded. "After all this! After everything we've been through?"

"Maybe we just aren't good together." Justin shrugged. "Can't we just end it without all the words." He didn't want to talk anymore because he knew what would happen if he caved.

"Fine." Brian grabbed his jacket. "Fuck this. And fuck you, Justin." Justin could see that he had hurt Brian a lot and wondered if he should have talked to him about what he saw at the club.

He sat down and he stared at his hands wondering why he let himself get caught up with Brian Kinney yet again. "Because I love him." He sighed to himself. "I love him so much."

*.*.*.*

Justin walked into the office that morning feeling somewhat less than energized. He hadn't been able to sleep a wink after what had happened with Brian. When he got to his office April was looking at him strangely.

"What?" Justin asked.

"Brian has called like 4 times since I got here." April replied. "What happened?"

"We broke up. I saw him tricking at some club last night." Justin sighed. "When I came home he was waiting for me." 

"Oh god." April didn't know what to say so she decided not to say anything else. She handed him his messages and went back to her work. Justin went into his office and sat down at his desk. When he opened his e-mail there was one from Brian. He decided, against his better judgment, to read it.

To: jtaylor@davis.com  
From: bkinney@davis.com  
Subject: Last Night

J,

I don't know what happened last night and I don't know how to fix things. If I did or said something, please tell me. We need to talk.

B.

Justin decided to write back. He knew that this wasn't going to go away easily. As he started typing he felt all of his emotions being poured into the e-mail.

*.*.*.*

As Brian sat at his desk, absently flipping through papers, he thought about Justin. He was waiting in anticipation to see if Justin would reply to the email he sent or all the phone calls he made. When he heard the sound signaling that he had mail he nearly jumped. 

He opened it and read what Justin had to say.

To: bkinney@davis.com  
From: jtaylor@davis.com  
Re: Last Night

B,

I have to be honest. I've been thinking about things and I don't want to get into our old routine. I need more. I need a real, committed relationship. And I know you well enough to know that you aren't going to give up tricking for me. I think it's better if we end it now than wait and just get hurt. I hope you understand how I feel and will respect that. And I hope we can still work together without too much tension.

J.

Brian sighed and put his head down on his desk. Justin had just hit him with the one thing he didn’t have an argument for. He wasn’t sure if he could ever be completely faithful to one person. There was no way to convince Justin different.


	4. Chapter 4

Brian looked around his apartment. He hated being alone, he hated the silence, so he hated coming home. It had been three days since Justin dropped his bomb, “I need a commitment,” he had said. Three days since Brian had started wrestling with himself trying to figure out whether he could do it. He knew that he didn’t need the sex with other men, not as long as he had Justin in his bed. It was the idea that he wouldn’t have a choice that bothered him the most, not the fear that he wouldn’t be satisfied.

Seeing Justin at the office, in meetings, was driving Brian crazy. He wanted more than anything to sweep Justin up into his arms and promise him anything he wanted. That scared Brian as well. He wanted to make Justin happy, no matter what he had to do in order to do that. Brian sat down on the couch and pulled out his phone. 

“Hey. It’s Brian.” He said when the person he was calling answered. “I need your advice.”

“My advice?” The voice asked strangely. “Since when do you come to me for advice?”

“Since it has to do with Justin.” Brian said solemnly. “Please, Emmett.” 

“Well, well, well, Brian Kinney just said please. I think I can be of assistance.” Brian could hear the smile in Emmett’s voice. Surprisingly, out of all the people in Pittsburgh that Brian still kept in touch with, Emmett was the one he trusted the most. “Spill.”

“He works with me, I’m sure you knew that already.” Brian said.

“Linds told me.” Emmett lied. He had been keeping in touch with Justin via e-mail, but he knew that if Brian knew that he would close up completely. “Go on.”

“We went to LA for a few weeks and everything was great. We were together. Then, we came back and he freaked. He wants monogamy and the whole relationship thing.” Brian was surprised that he didn’t shudder when he said the “R” word.

“What do you want?” Emmett asked.

“I want Justin.”

“Do you want him more than you want to trick?”

“I’m not sure.” Brian grumbled.

“I can’t tell you what to do if you don’t even know what you want more.”

“I want Justin more.” Brian admitted through gritted teeth.

“I think you just answered your own question.”

“But what if I can’t do it? And I hurt him again, and lose him for good?” Brian sounded tortured and Emmett really felt for him. He knew that Justin Taylor was the first person who ever really opened the infamous Brian Kinney up.

“There’s always that chance, but you’ll never know unless you try.” Emmett hoped that his two friends would get back together. He knew that Justin was tortured and now he knew that Brian felt that way too. “If we only did things that we knew weren’t going to hurt us, we would be miserable.”

Brian sat silently thinking about Emmett’s advice for a long time after they had hung up. He wondered if what Emmett said was right. Was he miserable because he played it safe? He went to his closet and pulled out the sketch that he had bought at the art show 6 years ago.

Had it really been that long? 

6 years.

Brian fell back onto his back, eyes towards the ceiling but not focusing on anything really. Images flashed in his mind, images of his past with Justin.

Liberty Avenue, 2000. Justin, standing under a lamp post in the mist of the night. He was so innocent then. 

Babylon. Justin, dancing, moving beautifully with the music. Dancing on the floor. Dancing on the King Of Babylon stage. Dancing on the bar.

The Loft. Justin, on the bed, writhing, panting, moaning, begging. Justin, on the bed, sleeping, smiling, laughing, snoring, sketching.

The diner. Justin, delivering food with a smile on his face. Justin, hearing the news that Brian was leaving.

The prom. Justin, smiling, dancing… Justin, eyes closed, lying in his own blood, his blond hair taking on the color of the blood.

More and more images of Justin kept appearing in Brian’s mind. Memories of the things they had done and the moments they had shared. The memories brought him back to the night that Justin left him. The night at the loft in Pittsburgh when they said goodbye.

He stopped thinking about it. He reached up and touched his cheek, feeling the wetness that had fallen from his eyes. He couldn’t believe he had cried. Over a guy. Brian Kinney never cried over guys. 

“Then Justin must be the one.” A voice in his head urged him. 

He agreed. He slipped his shoes on and ran out to the Jeep. He had to see a man about a relationship. As he drove to Justin’s apartment, he tried to figure out what he was going to say, but knew that as soon as he saw Justin’s face, he would lose all of these thoughts and he would have to wing it.

As he knocked on Justin’s door, he felt like his heart was about to stop. He took a deep breath when he heard the locks opening from the other side. Moments later, the door no longer separating them, Brian and Justin stood staring at each other.

“Hey.” Brian said.

“Hey.” Justin was obviously uncomfortable. “Uh, what are you doing here?”

“I need to talk to you.” Brian took Justin’s hand and pulled him inside. He closed the door and sat Justin down on the couch. He decided that with all that he had to say, and all the anticipation, he shouldn’t sit. As he began pacing, he began to speak. “I know that you probably think I’m an ass, and I probably am. But I have so much that I have to say.

“I have to tell you things that I never said three years ago and that I never said three days ago.” Brian took a deep breath. “I love you. That should be the first thing. I probably loved you since that first night. I don’t know why I could never say it, never acknowledge it, but I couldn’t. When you left, it was so cold, so emotionless. There was no anger and no hatred, just silence. I hated that. I wanted to scream and I wanted to tell you that it was all your fault. I wanted to tell you that you shouldn’t have fallen in love with me.

“I’m not sure why I didn’t. I hated being silent. It was making so crazy that, in some ways, I was glad when you were gone. But in other ways, it was like I was half a person. I hate the term ‘other half’, but I think I finally understood it. I started working all the time, there was nothing that I really wanted to do anymore, other that escape.

“When I came here, and I saw you, I couldn’t help but hope that we could try again. When I came to your apartment, you were so distant that I thought I definitely had no chance. So I avoided you, and then when I couldn’t anymore, I went for it. And it worked while we were in LA.

“I don’t know what changed your mind. At first I was blaming Davis’s niece, telling myself that it was the dyke’s fault. But now I have no idea what brought it on. But I realize that the reason we never lasted before was because I couldn’t give you what you need. So I thought about things. I asked myself whether I could give up tricking, which isn’t really the issue, it’s giving up the choice to trick that’s the hard thing. 

“But I know that I can do it.” Brian stopped pacing and looked into Justin’s eyes. They were wet with unshed tears and he had his knees pulled to his chest. “So I guess I’m asking… Do you want to do this?”

Justin stayed silent for several moments, thinking about the impact of what Brian had just said to him. Not only had he admitted that he loved him, but had asked him to have the relationship. Brian, who was going crazy in the silence, started pacing again.

“Yes!” Justin suddenly exclaimed. “I want it all!” Brian stopped pacing and ran to throw his arms around Justin. As they kissed, he knew that he made the right decision. 

“I love you.” Brian said between kisses. “I love you so much.”


End file.
